![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Waiter? Check please...
Oct. 8th, 2007 10:35 pmI am so very, very done.
Just so you all know what's going on with me...
I am on my 4th month of 50+ hour weeks with most of them being 60+ hour weeks (and on the upper end of 60+, last week was 68 hours).
We are subsisting on my income and some money we had saved up, but it's tight as Cruz still doesn't have a job. We're hoping that we can make it work with him either doing the outside detailing work at home or possibly getting into some other computer based drawing stuff. But my income doesn't even begin to cover HALF of our bills each month. Our savings will not last long at this rate. And it's getting tighter and tighter money wise.
And my boss is a month late with my mid year review - he's been out of the office and will be back tomorrow. I sent him and email and we'll see what he says. I had better 1. get a damn raise and 2. it better be retro to early Sept when he was supposed to do this or there are going to be serious problems.
For various reasons (having to do with my health) it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to eat enough or to sleep enough to replace the energy I am using just to make it through the day. Somehow I am managing it, but it is so far from healthy and I can feel that my ability to continue to do this is coming to an end.
I barely have enough energy when I get home to eat some dinner, check my email, and go to bed. Just to get up in the morning and go to work again, and again, and again.
I have been eating roughly THREE times the recommended caloric intake of a post op WLS patient, and I am **NOT GAINING** (and I likely should be) - which is a perfect example of how much energy I am burning just to keep going.
I have been having almost constant Fibro flare ups of both the Pain and Exhaustion flavors and I cannot take the pain killers that work due to the surgery, and I cannot sleep enough to deal with the exhaustion and the pain due to the pain and not being able to lie down for that long. Fibro is a catch 22 syndrome - you hurt too much to sleep and sleep is what heals and helps deal with the pain. So the less you sleep the more you hurt and the more you hurt the less you sleep. There is more to Fibro than this, but that's a core part of it for me.
My constant headaches are back, though I may have figured out part of why other than my neck and back being so damaged. It appears that my Aspartame sensitivity has re-asserted itself finally - which means formaldehyde-like poisoning symptoms - which explains the intestinal distress and headaches that have become increasingly familiar. This poses a problem with my mandatory water consumption as I **HATE** (and no, HATE is not to strong a word) the way water tastes. And yes it has a taste - don't tell me it doesn't. So I get to try to figure out something else to keep water from tasting like water so I don't end up in hospital on IV fluids - which is not uncommon for post op WLS patients.
I suppose it is a good thing I can focus so intently on something when I need to, cause it's one of the only things getting me through work right now - and sadly it means I also tunnel vision and I need people to be pro-active and take responsibility for things they need from me and not just sit back and wait for me to give them stuff cause I HAVE to be so focused to function at all that I cannot track more than one thing at a time. However, I am so done I can only do this for ONE thing right now and that has to be what pays the bills, which is my job. That means everything else is secondary at best, and more like tertiary if it's lucky. If you need something from me it is YOUR responsibility to follow up with me.
Convention stuff just doesn't compete right now. I am getting little things done, but I am exhausted to the point of tears most of the time. It's all I can do not to curl up into a ball and cry all the time.
I am so far behind with work that I truly feel that I cannot catch up. During the actual work day there is too much for me to do to stop and train or get ahead, let alone keep up, and that means that I stay after just to try not to slip any further behind. I am too far behind to take the time to train my help and honestly have concerns about that even working. I need another person like me, but I don't have that. And it appears that I either don't know how to work effectively with what I do have, or don't have the bandwidth to do so, or likely a combination of both.
So yeah, check please. I am done... I have been saying for quite a while now that something has got to give... I just didn't think it would be me... I thought I would be able to prioritze, cut some things out of my life, get caught up, and focus on what makes me happy. But nothing makes me happy any more - everything is a chore. Everything is a promise I have to keep because I am like that - I keep my word, even to my own detriment. I have a work ethic that could quite literally kill me. And at this point it just might.
Yeah, done. That's why my icon for this in Anat, the Phoenician goddess of self sacrifice. I feel like I am cutting off parts of myself to keep everyone else going and I am running out of **me** to do that with.
Cruz and I put ourselves LAST in our own lives, everything else is always more important on some level. And we are trying to figure out how to stop it, cause nothing should be more important to each of us than the other. Period. Until there are children, if we are lucky enough for that to happen. And that worries me - what happens if we do manage to get pregnant and have a kid? How does that fit into everything outside of ourselves being more important? We need to change our priorities NOW, and NOT wait until we MIGHT get pregnant. And I have been saying this - but no matter how much he nods and agrees nothing changes. I am ready to cut certain things off, but if he does not as well there is no point as I will not be able to get away from it.
So yeah me rambling and... just... done.
Just so you all know what's going on with me...
I am on my 4th month of 50+ hour weeks with most of them being 60+ hour weeks (and on the upper end of 60+, last week was 68 hours).
We are subsisting on my income and some money we had saved up, but it's tight as Cruz still doesn't have a job. We're hoping that we can make it work with him either doing the outside detailing work at home or possibly getting into some other computer based drawing stuff. But my income doesn't even begin to cover HALF of our bills each month. Our savings will not last long at this rate. And it's getting tighter and tighter money wise.
And my boss is a month late with my mid year review - he's been out of the office and will be back tomorrow. I sent him and email and we'll see what he says. I had better 1. get a damn raise and 2. it better be retro to early Sept when he was supposed to do this or there are going to be serious problems.
For various reasons (having to do with my health) it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to eat enough or to sleep enough to replace the energy I am using just to make it through the day. Somehow I am managing it, but it is so far from healthy and I can feel that my ability to continue to do this is coming to an end.
I barely have enough energy when I get home to eat some dinner, check my email, and go to bed. Just to get up in the morning and go to work again, and again, and again.
I have been eating roughly THREE times the recommended caloric intake of a post op WLS patient, and I am **NOT GAINING** (and I likely should be) - which is a perfect example of how much energy I am burning just to keep going.
I have been having almost constant Fibro flare ups of both the Pain and Exhaustion flavors and I cannot take the pain killers that work due to the surgery, and I cannot sleep enough to deal with the exhaustion and the pain due to the pain and not being able to lie down for that long. Fibro is a catch 22 syndrome - you hurt too much to sleep and sleep is what heals and helps deal with the pain. So the less you sleep the more you hurt and the more you hurt the less you sleep. There is more to Fibro than this, but that's a core part of it for me.
My constant headaches are back, though I may have figured out part of why other than my neck and back being so damaged. It appears that my Aspartame sensitivity has re-asserted itself finally - which means formaldehyde-like poisoning symptoms - which explains the intestinal distress and headaches that have become increasingly familiar. This poses a problem with my mandatory water consumption as I **HATE** (and no, HATE is not to strong a word) the way water tastes. And yes it has a taste - don't tell me it doesn't. So I get to try to figure out something else to keep water from tasting like water so I don't end up in hospital on IV fluids - which is not uncommon for post op WLS patients.
I suppose it is a good thing I can focus so intently on something when I need to, cause it's one of the only things getting me through work right now - and sadly it means I also tunnel vision and I need people to be pro-active and take responsibility for things they need from me and not just sit back and wait for me to give them stuff cause I HAVE to be so focused to function at all that I cannot track more than one thing at a time. However, I am so done I can only do this for ONE thing right now and that has to be what pays the bills, which is my job. That means everything else is secondary at best, and more like tertiary if it's lucky. If you need something from me it is YOUR responsibility to follow up with me.
Convention stuff just doesn't compete right now. I am getting little things done, but I am exhausted to the point of tears most of the time. It's all I can do not to curl up into a ball and cry all the time.
I am so far behind with work that I truly feel that I cannot catch up. During the actual work day there is too much for me to do to stop and train or get ahead, let alone keep up, and that means that I stay after just to try not to slip any further behind. I am too far behind to take the time to train my help and honestly have concerns about that even working. I need another person like me, but I don't have that. And it appears that I either don't know how to work effectively with what I do have, or don't have the bandwidth to do so, or likely a combination of both.
So yeah, check please. I am done... I have been saying for quite a while now that something has got to give... I just didn't think it would be me... I thought I would be able to prioritze, cut some things out of my life, get caught up, and focus on what makes me happy. But nothing makes me happy any more - everything is a chore. Everything is a promise I have to keep because I am like that - I keep my word, even to my own detriment. I have a work ethic that could quite literally kill me. And at this point it just might.
Yeah, done. That's why my icon for this in Anat, the Phoenician goddess of self sacrifice. I feel like I am cutting off parts of myself to keep everyone else going and I am running out of **me** to do that with.
Cruz and I put ourselves LAST in our own lives, everything else is always more important on some level. And we are trying to figure out how to stop it, cause nothing should be more important to each of us than the other. Period. Until there are children, if we are lucky enough for that to happen. And that worries me - what happens if we do manage to get pregnant and have a kid? How does that fit into everything outside of ourselves being more important? We need to change our priorities NOW, and NOT wait until we MIGHT get pregnant. And I have been saying this - but no matter how much he nods and agrees nothing changes. I am ready to cut certain things off, but if he does not as well there is no point as I will not be able to get away from it.
So yeah me rambling and... just... done.
