I don't have the time for a drink from the cup

To everyone...

I hope the food coma doesn't last too terribly long.

We slept like 12 hours last night. We got up at 4:30 yesterday to get here in time (just in case traffic was extra *special* since it's taken us over 4 hours to get here in the past) and ended up getting here by 9:15 (2 hours is not bad at all). Yesterday was a LONG day but we got to meet cruz531's little sisters serious sweetie (which was the main point of getting up here - apparently she was majorly stressed about us meeting him, but he's nice so no worries so far).

So I hope that you all had a reasonably good day.

My user icon is from the morning of our wedding not quite 4 years ago (and about 150 pounds ago for me and about 35 pounds ago for Cruz). I was getting my manicure and Cruz came over and kissed my head.

This pic was taken last Tuesday, October 16, at lunch at Fentons in Oakland after his Grandmothers funeral. Not a bad pic actually. I need to get more now that I don't mind them being taken so much. Sadly Cruz appears to be almost incapable of taking a good picture of me.




Now that the 15 hour days are ceasing, I have gained 5 pounds (cause I am not burning so many calories just to keep going). But I am working on getting rid of it. Trying to get better with my water and such and stop snacking so much. Of course candy in a bowl on my desk at work does not help - I need to move that to somewhere else cause it's within arms reach now. I have decided that no matter how comfortable I am at 220, I really would like to get below 200 because I have never been below 200 as an adult. It is something completely unknown and new for me, something I can barely comprehend. So I need to get cracking on getting better with my food and need to do something, anything really, about exercise. Need to find time to get back to Curves.

I also need to get back on journaling this process. Just cause I have lost 75% of my excess weight, and am therefore considered a success, does not mean my journey is over. Just because I have moments of feeling "normal" - buying something off the rack from Old Navy, or the Disney Store - does not mean I AM normal. I am still an obese person, someone with a weight problem who needs to use the $100+K tool I have (yes I have seen all the bills for my surgery). Besides, who wants to be normal?? Normal is boring... :) I have never been normal, why start now? Why not continue down the road to being uniquely me, but with more energy and better clothes? That sounds MUCH more fun!

Something I have been saying to myself recently is "I may always be big, but I don't have to be fat". That's part of why I had the surgery. The "big" reference is not exactly in regards to my weight since I am 5'10", cause I will always be that height. But being 220 now is good, getting to 199 will be my next big goal. It's good to have goals.

I will try to get more pics up.

7/10/06 RNY with Gallbladder Removal
Dr. Ajay Upadhyay
Summit Medical Center, Oakland, CA
5'10" (376) 346/220/180

The movie was good, we saw some friends. Wish we could have spent more time all around but we're very happy with the time we got. Thank you all so much for carving out some time for us from your schedules.

We still want to do some sort of social and for no other reason thing. Once the funeral is over we'll see what Cruz is feeling up to. The funeral is this Tuesday, likely in the afternoon.

Right now he's pulling cinnamon rolls out of the oven, and then we have to run some laundry.

And the rest of the day is a little up in the air. We may have to go spend time with his mom, we may go get pedicures (this is more important than you might think with his neuropathy in his feet), or we may just try to get some stuff around the house organized a little.

If anyone wants to drop by give a call first, you are more than welcome, while it is VERY likely we will be here we might not. The house is a mess and shoe-horning people in will be more interesting than normal - but we'll do it. We know a lot of you are at the BayCon meeting we just could not cope with and we hope that goes well.

We're gonna try and get everything back on track. We're sorry about falling behind on so much recently.

We got dressed up and went to temple last night. The temple here in Alameda that is reform and open to non Jewish spouses and family members. The one that was so welcoming and felt so right that Cruz's mom left the temple she grew up in, and that her grandfather was one of the founders of, to join.

But I digress... funnily enough it was Friday Night Chai (Chair = Life) and it's where the cantor leads the evening with LOTS of singing and it's a rather upbeat tone. One of the things I love about Jewish services is that they pray by singing, but this is more singing than normal I believe.

And again I digress.. And when Cruz realized what it was he looked like he wanted to leave and I made him think about what was more important. That he was here? Or what the focus of the service was? I also tried to get him to let the Rabbi know that Gramma had passed since he had seen her that afternoon but he just wasn't responding.

When we got to the prayer for healing and Dorothy's name came up that kinda broke him. And when it came time at the end for those who had passed and the Rabbi asked for additional names and Cruz stood up and named her, Rabbi Bennet paused a moment, a little surprised I think since he had just seen her and had gotten to the care facility a few minutes after Cruz left.

Cruz told me at dinner afters that he felt better for having gone.

Right now he is on his way over to the family temple in Oakland, the one his great-grandfather helped found (and who also has one of the big bronze holiday windows in the sanctuary dedicated to him). Because his grandparents were of course lifelong members. And while they were not able to go frequently in recent years, there are people there who will want to know. His grandfather was president of the Board and his Gramma was heavily involve with the sisterhood.

And they are barely tolerant of anyone not Jewish. This truly broke Cruz's heart when he took me there when we started dating. Actually the people are pleasant enough, it's the Rabbi... A waste of my air. Apparently he had the TEMERITY and absolute GALL to get into how Cruz's mom should make arrangements for her mother based on HIS schedule and HIS days off. Way to go champ, what a lovely way to serve the community.

Anyway he will be back in a little bit, and then we will figure out the rest of our day. It might involve pedicures, it might involve going to see "Elizabeth, the Golden Age" it might involve staying around the house watching DVD's or trying to catch up on some house stuff.

Cruz loves the idea of seeing friends - you guys just don't know how much strength he draws from friends or how important you all are to him.

We might be around today, those of you who have our numbers feel free to call and check in. Cruz was thinking a group to see the movie might be good.

Just got a call - he's coming home. Dealing with temple is too much.

Ah, so this morning as I am leaving the house we are talking about the "HoneyDo" list for Cruz - and right up topside is Cruz going out to visit his Gramma (which he rescheduled from yesterday).

And I get a call a little while ago, that his mom got a call from the care home. That Gramma has gotten MUCH worse, bad enough that they can no longer put an amount to the time she has left. We went from "she's got two weeks", to "a week" to "we don't know" pretty much overnight. So he is out there and dealing with his schtuff around this, and likely his moms, and his Grandpa (who is in a different room but the same facility) and his uncle and his brother, and, and, and. And he is usually the one to be the even keel. Oh boy!

Granted she's been this bad before and pulled through.

But I suspect with the End Stage Dementia it means that the body is really ready this time - and that she may already be "gone" to some extent. And perhaps, even though we just got her into the good care home, she finally feels safe enough to let go.

The Powers That Be know she's been through enough health wise in the last 5 years. She's a sweet and lovely lady and it's been very hard seeing her hanging on, and watching everyone stubbornly hanging onto her. However this works out, I hope it truly is for the best for HER. The living will cope, we always do on some level.

Just got a call - she's completely unresponsive. The Rabbi is apparently supposed to put in an appearance. His uncle and brother just left a little while ago, his mom is, well, his mom...

Thanks to all for your good thoughts. We truly appreciate them.

If we happen to put something together, where we just want to see friends for the sake of seeing friends, would you come? We might need that sort of thing without any other reason like a con or something. I know Cruz really thrives on time with friends - it's part of WHY we do cons. But I think he may just need the time with friends - it will be a crucial part of his healing. The challenge will be finding time in everyone's schedules this time of year (I know it's a crazy time for most of us), and space for people (if it's raining or too cold to use our yard). But it could be majorly good for Cruz.

So Dad's Wake/Memorial service was last night at Greyhaven. And lemme just get this said right now - I looked STUNNING. Ok - now back to the report... ( clicky )

OK - so last weekend (Aug 20th) cruz531's cousin Chris got married. Chris's folks (Aunt Judy and Uncle Frank - Cruz's dads younger brother) and all three of his brothers (Jerod, Brandon & Patrik) came into town for this.

This was the first time I had met Jerod since he now lives in NY. Chris lives in Fremont and we have run into him at the last couple of BayCons. I last saw Aunt Judy, Uncle Frank and Patrik 4 years ago when we went to visit them in Tucson. Patrik was like 5 at the time and had a broken leg - he doesn't remember us from then, but that is ok.

cruz531's Aunt Judy is crazy and wonderful and loves me and Cruz utterly - apparently we are her favorite niece and nephew. Part of that is directly tied into the fact that Judy is about 10 years younger than Frank - and when they got together apparently the family, as it were, really didn't do a lot to welcome her and were VERY suspicios of her, and downright mean by all accounts. Everyone except Cruz was like this - he accepted her immediately, and that has stayed with her. And even though I have often not been certain what most of Cruz's family thinks of me, I have NEVER been in doubt with Judy. She loved me from the moment she first spoke to me on the phone - cause she is the LAST person to ostracize someone AND cause I am with Cruz (who she calls "her baby"). She's just an amazing person who is dealing with a TON of health stuff. She has RSD (reflux sympathetic dystrophy) which made her permanently disabled at the age of 29, she also has full blown Lupus, and some other stuff I don't even know the specifics on. And she not only has to take care of herself, but also Uncle Frank (who got the genetic short straw health wise and has started developing Parkinsons, is in a wheelchair, and has numerous other things going on) and she has their youngest son Patrick (who is 9, and has ADD and could easily manifest a bunch of the same health stuff). Their next up son Brandon is like 19 and has Rheumatoid Arthritis AND Lupus - so yeah, bad juju health wise.

But with what she's got going on I know it's hard enough - add two other people completely dependent on you? Wow - she's one of the strongest people I know. She used to be a paramedic in San Jose, drove an ambulance and all that.

So - they came and stayed with us Friday night (don't even ask how we got THREE more people in our house) and that didn't work so well so we put them in a nearby hotel on Saturday night. They wanted Patrik to see some of the City - so we went to Pier 39. Turns out Dave Prowse (Darth Vader) was there doing an autograph stunt so we got to meet him (my second time actually - I met him like 30 years ago) and we got to do some shopping and see the Sea Lions and just have a tourist day. And you know what? I may hate SF - but it was nice to just burn the day and not worry too much about stuff. There is a Bare Escentuals/Bare Minerals store there and I let them do some demo makeup on me - its nice and really does the natural sunblock thing.

We then went over the Golden Gate bridge to go to cruz531's brother Brian's house in San Rafael. We stopped on the Marin side of the bridge so Patrik could see it - it was COLD and overcast and WINDY and I LOVED it - my favorite weather. Once we were at Brians we met up with cruz531's Mom and her boyfriend and we had a week late First birthday party for our niece (Brian's daughter Bella).

Then we came home cause we were all DONE and dog tired. Sunday was a short trip to Children's Fairyland in Oakland and I spent some time doing some beadwork (which I have not done in AGES) and when Judy and co. got back from Fairylan they watched the video of our wedding (cause they couldn't come) and then went to Judy's mom's house in fremont.

So yeah - when you hear me mention that our weekend was derailed due to family - that's what I mean. Not in a bad way - but we did not expect them to stay around for so long after the weekend.

Saturday I called my step mom and found out that my newest Newphew was born that morning! She gave me the number so that I could talk to my sister jauncort in the hospital. Mother and Baby are fine, Daddy and older brother are fine. This makes me happy.

Yay! So I say to the world, Please welcome James.

The rest of the details are my sisters' to share, not mine.

Now I want to go out there more than ever. *sigh* I really cannot put into words exactly how much I miss my sister or how badly I want to see her and the family. When I mapquest it, it's only a little more than 30 hours straight out there, with Cruz and I alternating we could make it pretty quick and back again too. Yes I am insane and thinking of driving out. THAT is how much I miss her.