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It's now been a week or so since I heard about something said about me that proceeded to bother me far more than it likely should. Many of you may feel that I should suck it up and shut up. This is my journal, and these are my feelings, and your disagreement does not invalidate them.
Something hurtful and untrue was said in a callous and matter-of-fact fashion.
It was said about me and through one thing and another I have found out about it. I did not hear about it from the person it was said to, but as I know them I made a point of checking with them about it as I am very aware of how things can change in translation, and I wanted as few variations between me and what was said as possible.
I have been trying to digest it, trying to disect it, trying to see what it is about me that would make someone say something like that. From what I have been told (and had confirmed) was said, it is not the words themselves that are the problem. What is bothering me is the thinking behind them. It could have been an innocent off the cuff remark, and the ovewrshadwing situation may have colored it darkly. This last part I would not be at all surprised at but I have done exactly NOTHING to be painted with that brush. I have put time and energy into maintaining as much balance as I can in that particular situation.
As I said I have talked to the person who the comment was made to, but not the persons who made it. I have been trying to figure out how to do so, but I am upset enough about it that I do not think that I could address it very well with them and actually accomplish something.
And there is a part of me that is dismayed at the apparent insistence on holding onto pain and keeping things ugly that they appear to be focused on.
And there is a part of me that says "Fuck it all - let them rot in their hate and their pain." because that part of me sees that it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them holding onto the pain and trying to perpetuate it.
But these are people who I thought of as friends, some perhaps not as close as others, and some I thought of as close as a sister. And I KNOW they know me better than that. And I want to believe that if they had simply stopped and THOUGHT about what they were saying so casually, or just paid attention, that they would have realized what an injustice they did to both me and themselves.
Many will find this hard to beleive, and that is your problem for judging me and not really bothering to get to know me and I pity you for it (for not allowing me to be human in your own mind - and yes I think there are people on my flist who this fits), but I cry rather easily. Usually sappy movies, and cute pictures and gorgeous pictures and good/well written books and such. Gorgeous music can make me cry, both the hearing and the singing. Pain, both physical and emotional, can make me cry, like many people. When I get really frustrated about something I will cry. It's an odd response for most people from what I understand.
And when someone does something extrememely thoughtless and hurtful it frustrates me on a whole new level, and it makes me cry.
What was said made me cry, at work. And this made me realize how hard even the thought of this level of betrayal hit me.
I used to have a guideline in my life - if someone made me cry, even if only once (depending on the severity of what happened), they were gone. The last person I thought of as friend who did something that felt this close to betrayal? I have spoken to voluntarily all of once in the last 10 years and will not let near me or what I perceive to be "my own" if I can help it. The person before that? I have spoken to *once* in upwards of 20 years. Both of these people manifested a pattern of manipulation and callous unconcern for people they cultivated as friends which it took my being burned badly to see and then try to protect myself from. Though rereading the past paragraph it appears that every 10 years I deal with something like this - so perhaps it was time for life to hit me upside the head AGAIN.
And for whatever reason this simple off the cuff statement has made me feel like I am dealing with these previous two so called friends all over again.
And I find that even allowing for me quite possibly over-reacting? It is the gut feeling and the sadly not being completely surprised that I feel I have to pay attenton to.
I haven't talked to them yet - as I said I am trying to figure out how. Or even if I want to.
So this has made me sit up and take notice and look more closely at things. And start to redefine how I define friends vs. acquaintances.
Something else that may surprise some people is that I am far more trusting than I likely should be. I let people in rather easily, but they generally have ONE chance to not betray that trust. I will refer to people as friends that other people I know likely would only consider acqaintances. And perhaps I need to reevaluate some of my connections to people. You may have noticed that I hardly, if ever, lock or filter my LJ posts. I am an open person. This post is not locked either.
So I am feeling the need for some emotional house cleaning. This will include LJ - whether I remove people from my Flist or just set up filters to read people? I don't know yet. But I am already not having the time to keep up with all of you - and I find that I don't want to. This has burned me enough that I find there are very very few people I want to be around at all - it has strongly pushed my hermit button.
Perhaps I want to be liked too much. Perhaps there is a larger part of me than I imagined that is still the 5th grader who was taller than everyone, and the only white girl in the school, and therefore twice the target (yes, I was the kid you jumped and beat the snot out of after school to prove how macho you were). And perhaps the social training I learned to try to mitigate the regular beatings by my classmates are still influencing how I interact with people. It's all possible and I am giving some thought to it. Quite a bit actually - as evidenced by my posting this from work where I have metric buttloads of month end crap and payroll to do. And I find I can hardly focus on anything but this feeling of betrayal - worrying at it like a sore tooth.
So now some of you know a bit more about me than you did. Perhaps you will use it, add it to what you already knew, perhaps how you see me will change, perhaps not. I no longer care.
I am hurt and I am angry. I do NOT want to spread more hurt and anger in retaliation. And yes, I need to figure out how to talk to the people in question so that I have at least told them what their callous words have done. At one time, before this, I might have expected it would do some good to tell them. Now? I honestly don't know.
Of all the things you all know (or might not know) about me - there are few things truer than the following two items:
I am NOT a tattletale
I am NOT a rumor monger
And I have been painted with that brush. And I am NOT ok with that. If you are ok with that - or think I am overreacting? Well, then we may have some things to discuss. But don't expect me to stick around.
Something hurtful and untrue was said in a callous and matter-of-fact fashion.
It was said about me and through one thing and another I have found out about it. I did not hear about it from the person it was said to, but as I know them I made a point of checking with them about it as I am very aware of how things can change in translation, and I wanted as few variations between me and what was said as possible.
I have been trying to digest it, trying to disect it, trying to see what it is about me that would make someone say something like that. From what I have been told (and had confirmed) was said, it is not the words themselves that are the problem. What is bothering me is the thinking behind them. It could have been an innocent off the cuff remark, and the ovewrshadwing situation may have colored it darkly. This last part I would not be at all surprised at but I have done exactly NOTHING to be painted with that brush. I have put time and energy into maintaining as much balance as I can in that particular situation.
As I said I have talked to the person who the comment was made to, but not the persons who made it. I have been trying to figure out how to do so, but I am upset enough about it that I do not think that I could address it very well with them and actually accomplish something.
And there is a part of me that is dismayed at the apparent insistence on holding onto pain and keeping things ugly that they appear to be focused on.
And there is a part of me that says "Fuck it all - let them rot in their hate and their pain." because that part of me sees that it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them holding onto the pain and trying to perpetuate it.
But these are people who I thought of as friends, some perhaps not as close as others, and some I thought of as close as a sister. And I KNOW they know me better than that. And I want to believe that if they had simply stopped and THOUGHT about what they were saying so casually, or just paid attention, that they would have realized what an injustice they did to both me and themselves.
Many will find this hard to beleive, and that is your problem for judging me and not really bothering to get to know me and I pity you for it (for not allowing me to be human in your own mind - and yes I think there are people on my flist who this fits), but I cry rather easily. Usually sappy movies, and cute pictures and gorgeous pictures and good/well written books and such. Gorgeous music can make me cry, both the hearing and the singing. Pain, both physical and emotional, can make me cry, like many people. When I get really frustrated about something I will cry. It's an odd response for most people from what I understand.
And when someone does something extrememely thoughtless and hurtful it frustrates me on a whole new level, and it makes me cry.
What was said made me cry, at work. And this made me realize how hard even the thought of this level of betrayal hit me.
I used to have a guideline in my life - if someone made me cry, even if only once (depending on the severity of what happened), they were gone. The last person I thought of as friend who did something that felt this close to betrayal? I have spoken to voluntarily all of once in the last 10 years and will not let near me or what I perceive to be "my own" if I can help it. The person before that? I have spoken to *once* in upwards of 20 years. Both of these people manifested a pattern of manipulation and callous unconcern for people they cultivated as friends which it took my being burned badly to see and then try to protect myself from. Though rereading the past paragraph it appears that every 10 years I deal with something like this - so perhaps it was time for life to hit me upside the head AGAIN.
And for whatever reason this simple off the cuff statement has made me feel like I am dealing with these previous two so called friends all over again.
And I find that even allowing for me quite possibly over-reacting? It is the gut feeling and the sadly not being completely surprised that I feel I have to pay attenton to.
I haven't talked to them yet - as I said I am trying to figure out how. Or even if I want to.
So this has made me sit up and take notice and look more closely at things. And start to redefine how I define friends vs. acquaintances.
Something else that may surprise some people is that I am far more trusting than I likely should be. I let people in rather easily, but they generally have ONE chance to not betray that trust. I will refer to people as friends that other people I know likely would only consider acqaintances. And perhaps I need to reevaluate some of my connections to people. You may have noticed that I hardly, if ever, lock or filter my LJ posts. I am an open person. This post is not locked either.
So I am feeling the need for some emotional house cleaning. This will include LJ - whether I remove people from my Flist or just set up filters to read people? I don't know yet. But I am already not having the time to keep up with all of you - and I find that I don't want to. This has burned me enough that I find there are very very few people I want to be around at all - it has strongly pushed my hermit button.
Perhaps I want to be liked too much. Perhaps there is a larger part of me than I imagined that is still the 5th grader who was taller than everyone, and the only white girl in the school, and therefore twice the target (yes, I was the kid you jumped and beat the snot out of after school to prove how macho you were). And perhaps the social training I learned to try to mitigate the regular beatings by my classmates are still influencing how I interact with people. It's all possible and I am giving some thought to it. Quite a bit actually - as evidenced by my posting this from work where I have metric buttloads of month end crap and payroll to do. And I find I can hardly focus on anything but this feeling of betrayal - worrying at it like a sore tooth.
So now some of you know a bit more about me than you did. Perhaps you will use it, add it to what you already knew, perhaps how you see me will change, perhaps not. I no longer care.
I am hurt and I am angry. I do NOT want to spread more hurt and anger in retaliation. And yes, I need to figure out how to talk to the people in question so that I have at least told them what their callous words have done. At one time, before this, I might have expected it would do some good to tell them. Now? I honestly don't know.
Of all the things you all know (or might not know) about me - there are few things truer than the following two items:
I am NOT a tattletale
I am NOT a rumor monger
And I have been painted with that brush. And I am NOT ok with that. If you are ok with that - or think I am overreacting? Well, then we may have some things to discuss. But don't expect me to stick around.
